Dear 1 Jon,
I wished I were writing you under better circumstances, but I can’t. Yes, this is Santa, and I’m informing you that you have officially ruined my day. Sorry to be so glum. Usually I’m all, “Ho-ho-ho!” But as I reviewed your year, I was moaning, “Oh, no, no, no.”
Mrs. Claus rushed out to the Polar Mart to get me some antacids because you have turned my belly like a bowl full of jelly into rotten yogurt.
1 Jon, I’ll be direct: you’re on the naughty list. Are either of us really surprised? Let’s not go into details as to why, because I’m not trying to get you into more trouble. I’m trying to get you back on my Nice List. There’s still time, and you need to do one great act of kindness to redeem yourself. How about 2 buying everyone at the office pizza?
Please, 1 Jon, if not for yourself, for your old buddy Santa? Let’s make this a happy Christmas. My belly and I will both thank you.