Official Warning

Dear ¹ Hillary,

Greetings from the North Pole.

You know that I have a Naughty List, correct? Over the centuries, I’ve had some notable folks on it, as you might imagine. I can’t ever make that list public because of the prevalence of politicians and lawyers listed. No one would ever vote again, and no one would ever defend me against all the litigation I’d be hit with.

My Naughty List features the world’s greatest dictators, traitors, villains, and a shocking amount of middle school teachers. Usually gym.

And now, it features you as well.

This is not a threat, merely a warning. Remember, I won’t ever make this list public because, frankly, you terrify me. But if you’re expecting me to visit you at Christmas, you’re going to be disappointed.

However, I’d love to see you make your way back to the Nice List. There’s a lot of good you can do in the world, and you can start here: ² make a sizable, anonymous donation to the Salvation Army.

How about it, ¹ Hillary? Bring us both some joy?